On life and death
I went to Poland on March 20th because my father is ill. I actually had a dream that a big black bird flew into my room through the window before my father was operated on and I knew that meant bad news... even before the doctors knew it... He has pancreatic cancer. When I got to Poland and found him in the hospice he was in a very bad state and doctors were giving him a few days to live but I took him home and, with the help of hospice doctor and a nurse he got much better. After two months he can lead "normal" life although motions are slower...
When we talked about his illness I told my father that anything is possible: he can live for a while, for a short time, for a long time… Whatever the doctors say I don’t see things the way they see them. My father will pass away when the time is right for him to leave this life… There must be still lessons to learn for him in this life… I talked to him about it and it sparked some curiosity in him and maybe helped him a little… My father lives in the material reality, reality created by the Western religions and culture which is characterized by uncertainty regarding what happens after life. The culture does say “Memento mori” but it’s very unclear what it means… Since fear of the afterlife accompanies any thoughts about it, death is perceived as a tragedy. It always surprises me that those who say they absolutely, with unshaken faith, believe in God, cry so much and have such difficult time coping with death of loved-ones. It seems to me that those people especially should be happy that God has cut the suffering of their loved-ones because whatever good happens to us, life on Earth is nonetheless connected to suffering. If we believe in God, we should have faith that whatever he puts on our path is for a purpose. Of course, the loved-ones who pass away were dear to us and we loved them and will miss them, but I feel that if we love them with true love which always has in mind the wellbeing of the loved-one and not our own, we will let them go... Otherwise, it will not be true love but our own attachment which puts our own needs first. When I was in the hospice I went through a moment of panic, I did. The panic was connected to the state of my father but, when I thought about it more, it was mainly about the environment of the hospice. I could feel what the patients were feeling, how anguished and confused they were, how unable to accept what was happening, how they and their families were full of fear… If there is a measure as to which culture is more beneficial for humans, then maybe the one which does not instill in people this type of fear… Because I am sure it was not present in the old old days when people observed nature and how sun raises and sets, and how plants and other animals are born and die, and death was just part of a cycle… I read a book recently entitled “Good life, good death. Tibetan wisdom on reincarnation” written by one of the Tibetan Llamas. In the forward the Dalai Lama says that Tibetans are blessed with an “inborn” belief in reincarnation and the idea of karma (the belief that whatever you do to others will be done to you if not in this life than in the next but in any case everything has to be experienced because only from experience wisdom comes) puts the responsibility of our actions into our own hands. When we think good thoughts and do good things, good things happen to us in return, etc. This does not mean that if someone slaps us on the cheek, we should offer the other cheek to be slapped. No, you should ask the slapper why he did that, why he used force. By accepting violence done to us and becoming victims, we are not doing anybody a favor, we are not cultivating benevolence and compassion, we are not being “good”. By pointing out that anger and violence leads to more anger and violence and that communication and conversation can bring solutions, we ask the slappers to respect themselves (by not acting out on their anger) and others. So, from that Tibetan point of view, whatever you did in this life, whatever you are so attached to, that loosing it causes anger or sadness or jelousy or fear, will have to be lived through in the next life until it is not connected to negative emotions and doesn't push us to negative actions. There is nothing to fear on a Tibetan deathbed: "if I did actions which brought negative karma, I will come back here to suffer a little more in the next physical incarnation. I will be coming back until I go through the negative emotion I myself instilled and understand my actions completely based on this experience, and until the process of cultivation of my soul ends, which really depends on me and my actions." A Tibetan soul needs not to be afraid of what is on the other side... The hell fire is only the next incarnation... In any case, coming back to hospices. The places are so dreadful because everybody there is in denial… I guess that a culture which has a difficult time coping with and expressing feelings as they come, has a difficult time expressing feelings connected to the last stage of life. When I got my father home situation drastically changed. He was still just lying in bed for the first week but the atmosphere was different. He eventually started eating, walking, going out to the garden… He is probably not spending time on any deeper thoughts connected to spiritual things - he never got to the third level of energetics - but he is to some extend still enjoying his life in his hectic way of a very young soul. I think he knows that it is a given time. He was so close to the end that he knows how it can feel and he is less scared. He didn’t loose the sense of humor which is good and helpful in any situation: when I first came to see him in the hospice he said to me: “This is the end.” And I said “No, it’s not the end” (not trying to fool him he was not dying but thinking more of the fact that death is only the transition and he will be born again) and he responded: “Do you want me to live forever?!” We both laughed. I told him later "You will live forever dad, maybe not as Edmund Kabat and maybe not as my dad, but you will live forever. And even if you are not my dad then, we will be connected in some way or another, because nothing is accidental and everything is connected forever and every being is part of the beautiful whole."
I came back to NY two weeks ago and went straight from the airport to school – the next semester started and it will last until mid August. The time I spend with my father gave some insight to life’s ways and I decided not to kill myself the way I did during the previous two semesters: I will work less and enjoy study and my free time more. I will work at PQ only two days a week (most likely on weekends) and go to school as before Monday to Friday 6-10 pm. School is already a full-time job because I have to study at least equal amount of time I spend at school. I will just use the federal loan and not worry too much about it. I will never retire anyways and practice medicine until I drop so I have the rest of my life to pay any loan. I will be doing what I love so it’s not going to be a burden. Most of my classmates are doing the same. It seems that we have changed so much since January… The knowledge (and wisdom) we get is changing us physically and mentally. I think that once you get into the Chinese philosophy of life and lifestyle, as thought by the old scriptures and classical text, you have less and become more. So it seems everybody is getting rid of stuff not needed (including pounds – all who had pounds to loose, are loosing them gradually), stuff negative, stuff blocking energy... We are eating and drinking healthier things, thinking different thoughts, seeing the process of our life in a new, and very interesting, way. Every class is very interesting and every day we are getting this incredibly amazing knowledge. It’s so different from the Western knowledge that it is sometimes difficult to grasp but when we do, the horizon expands, our eyes open wider, and it seems like the brain and heart expand their capacity. Since it is classical Chinese medicine, and not the TCM, we sometimes laugh that we are learning witchcraft because medicine, philosophy and religious beliefs are all woven together and it’s not possible to talk about one without the other. Libby who is our principal teacher of Oriental energetics takes her magic wand in her hand (a piece of chalk) and draws these incredible things on the blackboard… To whoever would like to read about the basics of the classical Chinese medicine I can recommend a book entitled “The Web That Has No Weaver. Understanding Chinese Medicine” by Ted J. Kaptuchuk.
Gradually I will write some about the Chinese medicine on the blog. I can start, as I promised, with Qi. The basic idea is that the Universe is constantly changing and all on this planet is in constant fluctuation. We are part of the whole and as such, are also constantly changing. But it is a part of our nature to be afraid of change. Often times we become stuck and want to stop the current that takes us God knows where, we think… We prefer what we already know and feel more comfortable in what we have gotten used to. But by doing this we are struggling with what is unavoidable… And that causes a lot of our struggle and confusion. Whether we are talking about the physical or mental and spiritual body, if there’s movement, there’s life. If there’s a free and unobstructed flow of blood and all other bodily fluids, and also thoughts, feelings, and emotions, then there is no diseases. If we can take things in as they come, process the change on the spot by either accepting it or making some arrangement to make it bearable, in other words if there’s flexibility in our way of doing and thinking, we’ll let that energy which is constantly flowing through us pass on freely. Because everything has a kind of energy. The energy of the Universe, of the whole and the detail that creates the whole, is passing through us. So the idea of Qi or the universal energy is that is should flow freely. If by our wanting to keep it still mentally or physically (physically by let's say contracting different muscles, for example the heart muscle by keeping hurt feelings too long or being too sensitive), we create obstruction in the flow of Qi. The Qi guides the blood – Qi and blood are unseparable. If there’s obstruction in the flow of Qi-energy there will be obstruction of blood as well and that may lead to blood stasis or stagnation. Stagnation causes pain, physical and emotional. There are many conceps in Chinese medicine. This is one of them. I like its philosophy and how it later translates to acupuncture treatment – by connecting various points on the meridians (the pathways on which the energy travels) we make the blood unstuck, we make it flow freely again. There is something called a microcosmic orbit which is the energy flowing through the midline front and back of the body. Over three years ago when I first went to get the acupuncture treatments I began to feel the microcosmic orbit – I started feeling how the energy travels through my body in a circular motion. If you would like to try it yourself here’s how to do it:
For women: sit on a chair straight but relaxed with your feet planted on the ground and palms of your hands rested on your tights. Close your eyes and envision the energy going from the genitals to the midline of the front of the body, through all the organs, neck, face, head, to the back of the head and down your spine, and down to genitalia, and start visualizing the circle again.
For men it’s the same except they should start from genitalia to the back and the spine and then the front.
Women are more yin (nourishing, going inward) and men are yang (energetic, going outward), hence the direction.
Try it and see how it feels. We did this meditation in class and we had some interesting feelings connected to it. A few of us felt where the energy was stuck and “pushed” it forward. I read somewhere that in the old time, when people’s minds were not so clogged by the amount of sensory input, people felt the microcosm orbit flowing through them easily. Now, we are often disconnected from our inner bodies and it is hard for us to feel it without bringing it back by meditating on it. By meditating we are really learning to listen…
Here’s what I found on a tea bag tag (I drink these different herbal teas with these cool tags attached to them – some contain great thoughts):
Practice listening to become intuitive.
I very much believe in this. Instead of listening to others all the time, listen to what your own intuition, your deeper soul, has to say to you. You may hear some really interesting things… With that I will finish for tonight. The only uninteresting subject I have to study is the cell biology from the biomedical point of view – comparing to Eastern stuff it’s pretty boring and I have a test tomorrow so I’ve got to hit the book and get it over with… I will write soon more on my findings.
When we talked about his illness I told my father that anything is possible: he can live for a while, for a short time, for a long time… Whatever the doctors say I don’t see things the way they see them. My father will pass away when the time is right for him to leave this life… There must be still lessons to learn for him in this life… I talked to him about it and it sparked some curiosity in him and maybe helped him a little… My father lives in the material reality, reality created by the Western religions and culture which is characterized by uncertainty regarding what happens after life. The culture does say “Memento mori” but it’s very unclear what it means… Since fear of the afterlife accompanies any thoughts about it, death is perceived as a tragedy. It always surprises me that those who say they absolutely, with unshaken faith, believe in God, cry so much and have such difficult time coping with death of loved-ones. It seems to me that those people especially should be happy that God has cut the suffering of their loved-ones because whatever good happens to us, life on Earth is nonetheless connected to suffering. If we believe in God, we should have faith that whatever he puts on our path is for a purpose. Of course, the loved-ones who pass away were dear to us and we loved them and will miss them, but I feel that if we love them with true love which always has in mind the wellbeing of the loved-one and not our own, we will let them go... Otherwise, it will not be true love but our own attachment which puts our own needs first. When I was in the hospice I went through a moment of panic, I did. The panic was connected to the state of my father but, when I thought about it more, it was mainly about the environment of the hospice. I could feel what the patients were feeling, how anguished and confused they were, how unable to accept what was happening, how they and their families were full of fear… If there is a measure as to which culture is more beneficial for humans, then maybe the one which does not instill in people this type of fear… Because I am sure it was not present in the old old days when people observed nature and how sun raises and sets, and how plants and other animals are born and die, and death was just part of a cycle… I read a book recently entitled “Good life, good death. Tibetan wisdom on reincarnation” written by one of the Tibetan Llamas. In the forward the Dalai Lama says that Tibetans are blessed with an “inborn” belief in reincarnation and the idea of karma (the belief that whatever you do to others will be done to you if not in this life than in the next but in any case everything has to be experienced because only from experience wisdom comes) puts the responsibility of our actions into our own hands. When we think good thoughts and do good things, good things happen to us in return, etc. This does not mean that if someone slaps us on the cheek, we should offer the other cheek to be slapped. No, you should ask the slapper why he did that, why he used force. By accepting violence done to us and becoming victims, we are not doing anybody a favor, we are not cultivating benevolence and compassion, we are not being “good”. By pointing out that anger and violence leads to more anger and violence and that communication and conversation can bring solutions, we ask the slappers to respect themselves (by not acting out on their anger) and others. So, from that Tibetan point of view, whatever you did in this life, whatever you are so attached to, that loosing it causes anger or sadness or jelousy or fear, will have to be lived through in the next life until it is not connected to negative emotions and doesn't push us to negative actions. There is nothing to fear on a Tibetan deathbed: "if I did actions which brought negative karma, I will come back here to suffer a little more in the next physical incarnation. I will be coming back until I go through the negative emotion I myself instilled and understand my actions completely based on this experience, and until the process of cultivation of my soul ends, which really depends on me and my actions." A Tibetan soul needs not to be afraid of what is on the other side... The hell fire is only the next incarnation... In any case, coming back to hospices. The places are so dreadful because everybody there is in denial… I guess that a culture which has a difficult time coping with and expressing feelings as they come, has a difficult time expressing feelings connected to the last stage of life. When I got my father home situation drastically changed. He was still just lying in bed for the first week but the atmosphere was different. He eventually started eating, walking, going out to the garden… He is probably not spending time on any deeper thoughts connected to spiritual things - he never got to the third level of energetics - but he is to some extend still enjoying his life in his hectic way of a very young soul. I think he knows that it is a given time. He was so close to the end that he knows how it can feel and he is less scared. He didn’t loose the sense of humor which is good and helpful in any situation: when I first came to see him in the hospice he said to me: “This is the end.” And I said “No, it’s not the end” (not trying to fool him he was not dying but thinking more of the fact that death is only the transition and he will be born again) and he responded: “Do you want me to live forever?!” We both laughed. I told him later "You will live forever dad, maybe not as Edmund Kabat and maybe not as my dad, but you will live forever. And even if you are not my dad then, we will be connected in some way or another, because nothing is accidental and everything is connected forever and every being is part of the beautiful whole."
I came back to NY two weeks ago and went straight from the airport to school – the next semester started and it will last until mid August. The time I spend with my father gave some insight to life’s ways and I decided not to kill myself the way I did during the previous two semesters: I will work less and enjoy study and my free time more. I will work at PQ only two days a week (most likely on weekends) and go to school as before Monday to Friday 6-10 pm. School is already a full-time job because I have to study at least equal amount of time I spend at school. I will just use the federal loan and not worry too much about it. I will never retire anyways and practice medicine until I drop so I have the rest of my life to pay any loan. I will be doing what I love so it’s not going to be a burden. Most of my classmates are doing the same. It seems that we have changed so much since January… The knowledge (and wisdom) we get is changing us physically and mentally. I think that once you get into the Chinese philosophy of life and lifestyle, as thought by the old scriptures and classical text, you have less and become more. So it seems everybody is getting rid of stuff not needed (including pounds – all who had pounds to loose, are loosing them gradually), stuff negative, stuff blocking energy... We are eating and drinking healthier things, thinking different thoughts, seeing the process of our life in a new, and very interesting, way. Every class is very interesting and every day we are getting this incredibly amazing knowledge. It’s so different from the Western knowledge that it is sometimes difficult to grasp but when we do, the horizon expands, our eyes open wider, and it seems like the brain and heart expand their capacity. Since it is classical Chinese medicine, and not the TCM, we sometimes laugh that we are learning witchcraft because medicine, philosophy and religious beliefs are all woven together and it’s not possible to talk about one without the other. Libby who is our principal teacher of Oriental energetics takes her magic wand in her hand (a piece of chalk) and draws these incredible things on the blackboard… To whoever would like to read about the basics of the classical Chinese medicine I can recommend a book entitled “The Web That Has No Weaver. Understanding Chinese Medicine” by Ted J. Kaptuchuk.
Gradually I will write some about the Chinese medicine on the blog. I can start, as I promised, with Qi. The basic idea is that the Universe is constantly changing and all on this planet is in constant fluctuation. We are part of the whole and as such, are also constantly changing. But it is a part of our nature to be afraid of change. Often times we become stuck and want to stop the current that takes us God knows where, we think… We prefer what we already know and feel more comfortable in what we have gotten used to. But by doing this we are struggling with what is unavoidable… And that causes a lot of our struggle and confusion. Whether we are talking about the physical or mental and spiritual body, if there’s movement, there’s life. If there’s a free and unobstructed flow of blood and all other bodily fluids, and also thoughts, feelings, and emotions, then there is no diseases. If we can take things in as they come, process the change on the spot by either accepting it or making some arrangement to make it bearable, in other words if there’s flexibility in our way of doing and thinking, we’ll let that energy which is constantly flowing through us pass on freely. Because everything has a kind of energy. The energy of the Universe, of the whole and the detail that creates the whole, is passing through us. So the idea of Qi or the universal energy is that is should flow freely. If by our wanting to keep it still mentally or physically (physically by let's say contracting different muscles, for example the heart muscle by keeping hurt feelings too long or being too sensitive), we create obstruction in the flow of Qi. The Qi guides the blood – Qi and blood are unseparable. If there’s obstruction in the flow of Qi-energy there will be obstruction of blood as well and that may lead to blood stasis or stagnation. Stagnation causes pain, physical and emotional. There are many conceps in Chinese medicine. This is one of them. I like its philosophy and how it later translates to acupuncture treatment – by connecting various points on the meridians (the pathways on which the energy travels) we make the blood unstuck, we make it flow freely again. There is something called a microcosmic orbit which is the energy flowing through the midline front and back of the body. Over three years ago when I first went to get the acupuncture treatments I began to feel the microcosmic orbit – I started feeling how the energy travels through my body in a circular motion. If you would like to try it yourself here’s how to do it:
For women: sit on a chair straight but relaxed with your feet planted on the ground and palms of your hands rested on your tights. Close your eyes and envision the energy going from the genitals to the midline of the front of the body, through all the organs, neck, face, head, to the back of the head and down your spine, and down to genitalia, and start visualizing the circle again.
For men it’s the same except they should start from genitalia to the back and the spine and then the front.
Women are more yin (nourishing, going inward) and men are yang (energetic, going outward), hence the direction.
Try it and see how it feels. We did this meditation in class and we had some interesting feelings connected to it. A few of us felt where the energy was stuck and “pushed” it forward. I read somewhere that in the old time, when people’s minds were not so clogged by the amount of sensory input, people felt the microcosm orbit flowing through them easily. Now, we are often disconnected from our inner bodies and it is hard for us to feel it without bringing it back by meditating on it. By meditating we are really learning to listen…
Here’s what I found on a tea bag tag (I drink these different herbal teas with these cool tags attached to them – some contain great thoughts):
Practice listening to become intuitive.
I very much believe in this. Instead of listening to others all the time, listen to what your own intuition, your deeper soul, has to say to you. You may hear some really interesting things… With that I will finish for tonight. The only uninteresting subject I have to study is the cell biology from the biomedical point of view – comparing to Eastern stuff it’s pretty boring and I have a test tomorrow so I’ve got to hit the book and get it over with… I will write soon more on my findings.
posted by Asia Kabat at 7:41 PM
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